Saturday, April 30, 2011

Funky Ranting

I've been in a bit of a funk lately. Maybe it's the weather, or stress, or both...but I'm being a little more negative than usual, and I don't like it. The other day I was sitting at my desk and I looked down at my arm. I don't like the shape of my arms. I remember being a little girl and thinking they were shorter than normal arms, and even when I was thinner, my wrists and hands were bigger than I thought they should be. Also, a few years ago, I had a little accident with a window that caused my right wrist to look deformed. I don't like my profile. My nose and mouth are very small and I think it makes the rest of my face look bigger than it is. I hate that my "expressionless" expression makes me look mean and unhappy, because I'm actually quite a happy person, even when I'm in such a weird funk, as I am currently.

I am willing to bet, that most of you haven't even noticed any of my "least favorite things about myself". I have so many more obvious "flaws" that I should probably be concerned about. Would I like to be thinner? Of course...if for no other reason than to be able to shop in any clothing store I want...but I eat relatively healthy, I limit my portions, and I even exercise semi-regularly. I feel good, and that is worth more to me than someone's opinion as to whether or not I look good to them. Besides, many of you have probably heard what I have to say about opinions...
  • "Opinions are like assholes. Everybody has one, and everybody thinks everyone else's stinks."
I have heard several times, "You are your own worst critic". Though, to me, people seem much more judgmental of others than they are of themselves. I can't help feeling one's incredible need to be overly critical of another most likely stems from extreme insecurity in their own self. Whether it be a reflection in the mirror, or something much deeper and not outwardly visible. I see so much anger from everybody lately. I recognize that times are tough and many people (including myself) are frustrated. But, look around you, chances are, you're taking a lot of stuff for granted. Nobody's life is perfect. It hardly seems fair to the good things in your life to spend all your time wishing for or complaining about the things you don't have.

I have been guilty of being a catty, judgmental bitch in the past, and I won't pretend I haven't. I am pretty confident most people have been at some point in their lives. It's human nature to attack when you feel threatened. If you want to tear me down, go ahead. I can take it, but, for me, life is too short to be angry all the time. So, I'll take my short, oddly-shaped arms and my tiny nose if it means I get to keep the smile on my tiny mouth.

Monday, April 25, 2011

Grand Views

Four years ago this month, on Easter weekend, I officially gained possession of my house, but my history within it begins long before that. My aunt and uncle first moved there a little over 21 years ago. It was either just before or just after they got married, and before my cousin, Christine was born. I spent a great amount of my teenage years in the house babysitting Christine, and her sister, Jessie. It was my first summer job.

Back then, the kitchen didn't have a sliding-glass door opening out to a deck. The carpet was clearly ugly...as was the linoleum in both the kitchen and bathroom. It has been through many makeovers and transformations through the years. The deck, for instance, took three years to complete. The first year, was the deck itself; the second year, was the door leading out to the deck; and in the third year came the stairs. The summer the front bedroom was remodeled, I arrived on still-dark summer mornings and was able to go back to sleep on the mattress on the living room floor instead of the couch. The kitchen was also remodeled, but I don't recall being around a lot during that process, I mainly remember seeing the finished product. It was done after my babysitting days. In fact, it was done right before my best friend and her new husband moved in.

My aunt and uncle had built a new house, and my best friend, Joanna, was newly married and wanting to buy her first house. The timing was perfect and she was basically there as much as I was when we were growing up, so she already had a bit of a sentimental investment in it herself. I helped my aunt clean the house on the day they moved out. I helped Joanna paint the rooms before they moved in. She was the one to replace the awful carpet, I was there that day too. I helped her turn the back bedroom into a nursery when she was expecting her first child, Brennen. I watched as her second child, Carter, napped in his bassinet in the dining room as a newborn. I sat on the deck with her the day they packed their things to move to Kentucky.

Joanna's friend, Melissa bought the house from her. Melissa and I didn't know each other very well at the time, but we would later become very dear friends. One night, St. Patrick's Day, Melissa and I were bellied up to a bar, green beer in front of us, and we concocted a brilliant plan for me to purchase the house. She and her boyfriend (now husband) were buying a house in another town. I wanted very badly to own the house I had grown to love so much. I helped Melissa and Dave move out on Easter weekend, which was the same weekend I received my keys. For the next two weeks, I, along with my grandparents and my mom, painted, and scraped and peeled wallpaper, and shampooed carpet.

The day I moved in, my house smelled of oranges, thanks to Kylene and her wonderful gift basket. My walls were freshly painted, my carpets freshly cleaned, my pets sufficiently settled. Chuck and Tom had moved my washer and dryer into my basement early that morning, and my cousin, Nate and my Grandpa Gwin loaded and unloaded all of my worldly possessions. Mom and Amy stayed at my new house drinking beer, unpacking boxes and doing laundry, while I cleaned my apartment one last time. I awoke my first morning in my house and finally felt at home for the first time in a very long time. I will be there for many years to come. I will make it my own and then hopefully pass it on to someone else that loves it as much as I do.

My home is now quite different than it was 21 years ago, though many things have remained the same. The front door still squeaks loud enough to wake the entire neighborhood. There is a spot, right in front of my television, that pops when you walk over it. A wooden swing (although not the original) still hangs on the front porch. A proclamation, written in pencil still adorns the spare bedroom closet wall "Christine Bradway lived here". Another proclamation, also written in pencil, still adorns the banister at the foot of the basement stairs "Amy is a #@$%^". The basement still leaks when it rains. The bathroom has only a bathtub, and no shower. The kitchen doesn't have a dishwasher (nor does it have room for one), but I have never had such a contraption, and I have learned you can't miss something you've never had.

I have made so many wonderful memories in tiny little house number sixty. I look forward to new relationships being kindled, more beer being consumed, more music flowing through the rooms, and much more laughter...I look forward to every minute.

Thursday, April 21, 2011

My whole heart

Today, my heart truly broke in half, for the first time in my life. I'll begin where most stories begin...at the beginning...

My sister, Bailey, asked me to go with her to Muncie because she had a few things to pick up. We decided that tonight, Thursday, would be the best time for both of us. I was looking forward to spending some time with my sister. She used to live with me, and since she moved out, we obviously don't spend as much time together as we did when we shared my home. She also just had a baby, her first, Cooper. He holds the distinction of being the first person to give me the title of Aunt, which is my favorite thing I have ever been called. I would imagine the only thing that could ever top "Aunt" would be "Mommy"...but that is a discussion for another day. I was in the delivery room when he was born. I watched him enter this world, and I can confidently say, without a shadow of a doubt, that I have never loved anyone or anything in my entire life as much as I love this guy (and I have never been so in awe of another human being as I was of my sister at that moment, and every moment since). He has absolutely captured my heart, and as far as I am concerned, he can have it forever. He will get everything he wants from his "Aunt Indsen", I plan to spoil him as rotten as one can spoil a child, and I look very forward to doing so.

However, let's return to the task at hand, shall we?

Bailey texts me while I'm at work today to tell me that Cooper was going to get his shots this afternoon. Now, I have heard from every mother I know, how heartbreaking and devastating the first shots are. I have always thought to myself "suck it up, they're never going to remember them". Let me remind you that I am not now, nor have I ever been a mother to anything other than a dog and a cat, so please don't judge me too harshly. Bailey sent me a picture shortly after his shots. He was sleeping. He loves to sleep, he's a lot like his Grandpa Stuffel that way. He also looks exactly like his mommy when he's sleeping, with his arm thrown above his head and his mouth hanging open.

Anyway, I get home from work, and we leave for Muncie. Right before we get to the mall, Coop starts to fuss. Nothing strange there, it was about time for him to eat. Bailey, just like the supermom she is, fixes him a bottle and feeds it to him while pushing him in his stroller through the mall. He sleeps the entire time we are there and only starts to fuss when the car comes to a complete stop at various intervals on our way over to Target. He likes a bumpy, moving car...who doesn't? It is only after we are inside Target for a few minutes that the crying starts. Cooper is pretty easy to read, and he was not hungry, and he did not need changed...he just didn't feel good and his legs hurt from where he got his shots. Nevertheless, nothing was calming him down and people were starting to stare, so we left the store. Have I yet mentioned that Bailey forgot to put the Tylenol in the diaper bag? Luckily, we were at Target and she could just go in and buy more, which is exactly what she did.

I remained in the car with Coop. He was crying and screaming so hard he was completely rigid. It didn't make me frustrated, and it didn't make me nervous, I just patted his little bottom and whispered verses from Bob Dylan's "Forever Young" to him. I kissed his forehead and rocked him. Occasionally, he would calm down just enough, but he had gotten so worked up that his breath would still catch...and his beautiful little lips would pucker and quiver...and this is where my heart broke in two. I've heard and seen babies do this a thousand times, but this time was so much different. I now understand why "first shot day" is so hard on new moms, and I'm not even a mother. This little person that you would give the entire world to, if you possessed the power to do so, doing something as simple as making this sound, and this face that causes you to melt into a puddle on the floor. Just thinking about it now makes my throat burn and tears well up in my eyes.

So, to all the moms out there (especially Bailey, my hero), I promise to never again take lightly your proclamations that a little shot can be so devastating. You now have my full support and respect, and I hope, if I am ever lucky enough to be counted among you as a mother myself, that you will perhaps conveniently forget to remind me of my slight insensitivity on this subject.

Friday, April 15, 2011

Dandy

Yesterday, my sweet Addy brought me 2 dandelions. I took them right in to my office and stuck them next to a picture of Cooper, on my desk. I remember the joy I felt when dandelions started popping up all over our yard when I was little. FREE FLOWERS EVERYWHERE! We didn't get in trouble for picking them either, like we did when we picked other flowers. In fact, it was almost like mom and dad WANTED us to pick them. I would pick them for my mom and my grandma and my neighbor and everyone I could think of. After all, there was an endless supply of them.

I entered adulthood, and then home ownership. I suddenly got it. Dandelions are a nuisance. They are impossible to get rid of, and, when looked at through adult eyes, not nearly as beautiful as they were when I saw them through my child eyes. I realized my mom was likely just a great actress to seem so thrilled to receive a hand-picked bouquet of yellow flowers day after day after day throughout the summers. Then, Addy brought me my own dandelions. They might as well have been roses. They were still sitting on my desk today, all wilted and droopy. I wonder what they'll look like on Monday?

Tuesday, April 12, 2011

Blue

I had a busy day today, I don't usually sit at work wishing for quitting time, but today I was chomping at the bit. The phone rang off the hook, and nine times out of ten it was a telemarketer just wasting my time. I woke up extremely edgy and remained that way throughout most of the day. I don't know what my problem was, perhaps it was the colder weather. I have had my heart set on warm weather coming to stay, and the past two days seemed like a tease when I woke up and discovered I would have to wear socks today. When I was finished with work, I joked around with my bosses for a bit before leaving, and noticed my edge softening; after all, ending work on a laugh can't be considered a bad thing, no matter how you try to spin it otherwise. I got into my car and drove over to clock out. As I drove I noticed how warm the inside of the car was just before a small smile crossed my lips. I opened the moon roof as I pulled out onto the road and cranked my radio up, "Ain't Too Proud to Beg" was playing. I could feel myself starting to relax. A flash of blue and a wave before I reached the stop sign had me feeling calm (and smiling), just as it always does. Nobody drove too slowly in front of me on the way home. Nobody drove too closely behind me. I noticed some of the flowering trees were blooming and started to look forward to my lilacs. I even managed to dodge almost every ridiculous Henry County back road chuck hole before entering Wayne County.

When I arrived home I fixed a quick dinner and scratched my dog's ears a little longer than usual. She's getting older and somehow becoming both sweeter and grumpier at the same time. It is taking her longer to get up and off the bed when I get home. She doesn't wait impatiently at the door for me anymore. When I talk on the phone, or pay attention to anything or anyone more than her, she barks incessantly. Today, she snuggled up next to me on the couch while I ate my dinner. She is in the mood to be sweet today. At this point I felt completely serene and calm. I started rethinking my day. It was crazy and busy and stressful...and exhilarating. The stress of the day is worth it when you arrive home to find yourself satisfied that you accomplished a lot in a short time. I enjoy working hard, and I enjoy my job...even if I occasionally have one of those days that make me want to pull my hair out by the roots. So, stop and breathe, and you just might catch that flash of blue that will turn your mood around.

Priorities

I love peonies. They don't last very long, and they are covered with ants, but I absolutely love the way they smell. When I got home from work today, I noticed the first little leaves of my peony bush poking up through what is leftover from last year's bush that I never got around to cutting down, and I felt a little flutter of giddiness. You see, I get really excited about my yard at the first signs of spring. I can't wait to get out and get started with all the necessary planting and cleaning. I go buy flowers, plant food, potting soil, and the occasional new flower pot. I work outside from the time I get home from work until it gets dark for about a week, and maybe even the occasional handful of weekends, before I completely lose interest.

The truth is, I hate working in the yard. My flowers are usually dead before the middle of July because I forget to water them and/or they become overgrown with the weeds I forget to pull. I still have a pile of mulch in my backyard that was meant for the east side of my house last summer, but never managed to actually end up there. I also hate getting dirty. I always have. I am pretty sure my first birthday cake did not end up all over me and every surface within a three mile radius of my highchair. Basically, when it comes to outdoor chores, I am a mess...a clean mess, but a mess nonetheless.

I have every intention of making 2011 the year I finish my yard, and maintain it all summer long...but then again, this is the first week of decent spring weather. Ask me in June how my flowers are. There is a pretty good chance you will find me in the pool with a beer in my hand, at which point I'll remember that I haven't watered my flowers in two weeks.

Wednesday, April 6, 2011

51

I don't plan to post everyday, however, I just spent the last hour sitting in front of my computer with my dad, drinking a couple beers and looking up music videos on YouTube. When he left, he hugged and kissed me goodbye and went home. Last year, we threw a huge (and by huge, I mean excessively planned and executed to the most minute detail) 50th birthday party for him. It was a "70's Basement Party", complete with a pot leaf painted on the wall, Little Kings in the cooler, record player turning until 4:00 a.m., birthday bash to end all birthday bashes. He had the time of his life with his friends (old and new) and his family. This year, he babysat for his first grandson all day and then came over to his eldest daughter's house for a beer and a conversation. I kind of think he's had just as much fun on his 51st birthday, as he did on his 50th.

My parents made a lot of sacrifices in order to give my sisters and me the best childhood possible, and they succeeded. I look back on my "growing up" days and can do nothing more than smile. In fact, the worst thing I can say is how much we hated football season because we never got to watch TV on the weekends (we grew up in a time when most families had only one television per household). I know they had a lot of rough times, but I also know they truly enjoyed being our parents. They didn't even bail through our teenage years, which, looking back, I can assure you qualifies them for sainthood. As an adult, I enjoy spending time with them as much as I enjoy spending time with my friends.

My dad never fails to tell me he is proud of me, even if I am not particularly proud of myself. Today, on his birthday, I want to tell him I am proud of him. He raised three wonderful women. He has been married to his high school sweetheart for almost 32 years, which is pretty remarkable in this day and age. He recently graduated from college and works as a CNT for Ball Memorial Hospital. He is everything a father should be. He cooks, he dances, he works hard, he drinks beer like a champ, he has played barbies, and styled our hair, he loves his Karen, he also loves Elvis and cheesy movies on SyFy, and he even plays a little guitar. Also, after 31 years of being surrounded by women, our family finally gained another male in the form of my nephew, Cooper, giving my dad a new moniker:  Grandpa.

Happy Birthday, Dad, I love you even though you have a disgusting tendency to take random leftovers from the fridge, throw them all into a bowl, add some ketchup or barbecue sauce (or sometimes both) and crush whatever crackers are in the lazy Susan over the top and actually enjoy it so much that you loudly scrape every last drop out of every last curve of the giant bowl you were eating out of with the giant serving spoon you were eating with, while the rest of us are trying to watch a movie. Why? Because you still make the best chili I've ever tasted! Bon Appetit!

Tuesday, April 5, 2011

Killing the Spider

A little more than a year ago, during a particularly unpleasant mood swing, I had a moment of clarity. I was so lonely, yet I was pushing everybody I loved away from me, and I didn't know why. I walked into my bathroom and faced myself in the mirror and made a vow:  to leave my comfort zone; take more chances; be positive. I always had a tendency to expect the worst and see the negative aspect of everything. I proudly characterized myself as "cynical", and I had finally realized that it was quite possible nobody in my life particularly enjoyed being around me. I came to this conclusion by realizing that I didn't particularly want to be around me.

From that day forward, I made a conscious effort to say "Yes" as often as possible, particularly when my first instinct was to say "No". I soon began to realize that I was having a lot of fun. I was reconnecting with my friends and making new ones. I was gaining confidence and not letting silly insignificant things bother me. I let go of my hang ups. I broke down my walls (some of them, at least).

I have also been working on overcoming other limitations I had put upon myself. I sang karaoke for the first time last year, and I have been out on a couple dates this year. I even managed to kill a giant spider a few weeks ago, without breaking into a cold sweat or hyperventilating. I just stepped on it, without contemplating a more creative way to do it by using every single extension on the vacuum cleaner, or calling and begging my dad to drive over and kill it for me.  In just a few short minutes, I will be posting my first blog, something that terrifies me. I have found, however, that once you conquer a fear, you begin to wonder why you were ever afraid in the first place.

This is the first installment of my blog, and I hope those of you that read this will find yourselves anxious, or at the very least somewhat curious enough, to anticipate my next post...until then, I implore you to go kill a spider of your own...