I remember being a child, and feeling as though summer would never arrive. Spring felt like it stuck around for months instead of weeks. The end of the school year seemed to never want to show her beautiful face. Finally, almost overnight, it would be here, and mom would put the sheets up in the windows, to keep the house cool. We practically lived in our bathing suits after the pool was installed. I don't remember many details of my childhood that occurred in the fall and winter months, but each and every summer has managed to stick with me, in high-definition.
Now, of course, as an adult, my summers are the same as the rest of my year, only I spend my weekends floating around with my pool ladies, and enjoying the occasional cookout with friends, or a night on the deck of our favorite bar. You just can't imagine how much of a difference it makes to have that time.
"Isn't fun the best thing to have?"
It makes me sad to see people who just won't allow enough enjoyment in their lives. We all have stuff to do, but you know what they say about all work and no play. Dishes don't have to be done immediately. Laundry doesn't have to all be done in one day. Go outside and live a little. Slather on the sunscreen and even buy a big floppy hat if you must, but go outside. I spent so many years of my life as far away from any social activity as I could possibly get. I was embarrassed of the way I looked. I wore jeans all summer to hide my hideous legs. After high school, I didn't buy a new bathing suit until the last year of my 20s. I used to never leave my house on a Sunday.
I hated the job I had back then. I would be so horribly depressed every Sunday, I rarely made it out of bed. Once I started working at my current job, in a place with windows and happiness, I started to see how much better life was with a little bit of fun. I began to feel less a prisoner of my own mind, and started to embrace my untapped "fun side".
I always say to never have regrets, but I do regret wasting nearly ten years of my life feeling sorry for msyelf. Especially since there was absolutely no reason to do so. I see now, that even when things aren't great, it actually is possible to make the best of a bad situation. I try very hard to not let anything break me down, and I don't always succeed, but I also don't surrender. It helps to have great people who aren't afraid to smack you across the face and scream "Snap out of it!!!!"
Now, I go out and enjoy myself, no matter what day or night of the week it is. I can still manage to be a responsible adult and make good decisions. I'm happy in my own skin, yet I am aware of and actively pursuing improvement in that area. I no longer mind showing my legs; they sport shorts and skirts and regular swimsuit bottoms. Sure, nobody will be insuring them for their outstanding beauty ever, but they're mine. They have walked miles, and have been bruised and burned. They have been stretched to their limit, and they bear dimples and cellulite. They have jumped for joy and have had my arms wrapped around them for comfort. They have a story to tell, just as the rest of me does, and I feel sorry that I was ever ashamed of these magnificent gams that have carried me through my life. Sunday is now my favorite day of the week, whether I'm floating in a pool, watching football with my friends, or curled up with my dog reading a book.
I've been thinking about this stuff a lot lately. I think it is because I have been in such a funk all winter. I look back and the majority of my posts lately have been about how lonely I am, or frustrated I am, or stressed I am. I have this fear of picking up my old pathetic habits and retreating back inside myself. Back to a place my closest friends and family will not follow me. I think about that, and how now, when I'm having a bad day, all I want is to be with people. I enjoy socializing and those who make me laugh. I think that is normal. I am as close to the carefree little girl racing her lavender Schwinn down the alley as I can be at the age of 32.
Why? Because I started allowing myself to have some fun.
So, if you don't enjoy yourself, now is the perfect time to get started; because summer is here and fun really is the best thing to have.
Tuesday, May 22, 2012
Wednesday, May 16, 2012
Great Expectations
My patience grew thin long ago. It is more or less nonexistent. I despise waiting for things to happen. What I hate more is being left guessing. I don't like playing games. I grow tired of promises being made that were never intended to be kept. Life is too short to wait for good things to happen. You have to make them happen; because even if they don't work out the way you want, they're still going to work out the way they should, and there really isn't much one can do about that.
In the past, I would typically just give up if something didn't work out the first time. Rather than "beat a dead horse", so to speak, I preferred to walk away with what I felt was my dignity. Prior to that, I would throw caution to the wind, get everything out on the table; dignity be damned. I now know that neither way is the right way. You can't hide from the pain anymore than you can take all of it at once. That's me, though. Either playing it too safe, or jumping without a net or a parachute. One extreme or the other.
"Darlin, I don't know why I go to extremes."
Once, several years ago, back in the time before the walls were built. I took a risk on ruining a friendship and told someone I had feelings for him. I had been agonizing over it for quite awhile, and finally I couldn't take it anymore. I had to know, even if it meant the pain of rejection. My reasoning was "at least I won't have to wonder anymore". Of course I was rejected, and humiliated, and heartbroken. I curled into a ball on the floor of my hallway and sobbed until I had no tears left. To this day I am grateful for that act and for that experience. I was able to get him out of my system, and believe it or not, we're now dear friends. At the same time, remembering the pain of that door closing, and the utterly humiliating feeling that ebbed through me the next time we crossed paths; has caused me to go to extreme lengths to ensure it will never happen again.
Recently, as I began to chip away at that fortress I built, and slowly take the wall down, I have found that this feeling I was so afraid of feeling again is everywhere. I just no longer have the desire to protect myself from it.
It now serves as a reminder that I'm still alive.
Even though I experience it all the time (twice just this week, in fact), I still fear the rejection. No matter who it is coming from, or what about me is being cast aside; the fact remains that it is someone telling me something I have done, or the person I am, is not good enough. Sugar coatings are sweet, but they eventually dissolve, and often you're left with something sour and unpleasant. I have found, however, that the dull ache in my gut I get when I'm in limbo about something, hurts far worse than any "No" I have ever heard. It just makes me stronger and more resilient; and that's not a bad thing to be. There are a lot of things I could allow to get me down, every single day; and sometimes they do. At the end of that day, though; I am healthy, my family loves me and my friends are awesome. I also have a great job, and I am doing my very best to follow the dream I have had since I was a little girl. With that alone I face a potential long line of even more "No" and "It's just not what we're looking for", and of course the dreaded "YOU'RE not what I'm looking for". The first one was like a punch to my gut, and a knife in my heart at the same time. I did it, though. I took that step and I took my licks, and the next time won't be so bad.
Somewhere there is somebody who thinks I'm good enough, and maybe even better than that. Be it an agent or a publisher, or a guy who actually means it when he says he is going to call. Until then, I am going to brace myself with the knowledge that throughout my past, when things have seemed as though there wasn't a chance in hell they could ever get better...they always have. These days I can't find much to feel hopeless about. I could never overlook how fortunate I am.
In the past, I would typically just give up if something didn't work out the first time. Rather than "beat a dead horse", so to speak, I preferred to walk away with what I felt was my dignity. Prior to that, I would throw caution to the wind, get everything out on the table; dignity be damned. I now know that neither way is the right way. You can't hide from the pain anymore than you can take all of it at once. That's me, though. Either playing it too safe, or jumping without a net or a parachute. One extreme or the other.
"Darlin, I don't know why I go to extremes."
Once, several years ago, back in the time before the walls were built. I took a risk on ruining a friendship and told someone I had feelings for him. I had been agonizing over it for quite awhile, and finally I couldn't take it anymore. I had to know, even if it meant the pain of rejection. My reasoning was "at least I won't have to wonder anymore". Of course I was rejected, and humiliated, and heartbroken. I curled into a ball on the floor of my hallway and sobbed until I had no tears left. To this day I am grateful for that act and for that experience. I was able to get him out of my system, and believe it or not, we're now dear friends. At the same time, remembering the pain of that door closing, and the utterly humiliating feeling that ebbed through me the next time we crossed paths; has caused me to go to extreme lengths to ensure it will never happen again.
Recently, as I began to chip away at that fortress I built, and slowly take the wall down, I have found that this feeling I was so afraid of feeling again is everywhere. I just no longer have the desire to protect myself from it.
It now serves as a reminder that I'm still alive.
Even though I experience it all the time (twice just this week, in fact), I still fear the rejection. No matter who it is coming from, or what about me is being cast aside; the fact remains that it is someone telling me something I have done, or the person I am, is not good enough. Sugar coatings are sweet, but they eventually dissolve, and often you're left with something sour and unpleasant. I have found, however, that the dull ache in my gut I get when I'm in limbo about something, hurts far worse than any "No" I have ever heard. It just makes me stronger and more resilient; and that's not a bad thing to be. There are a lot of things I could allow to get me down, every single day; and sometimes they do. At the end of that day, though; I am healthy, my family loves me and my friends are awesome. I also have a great job, and I am doing my very best to follow the dream I have had since I was a little girl. With that alone I face a potential long line of even more "No" and "It's just not what we're looking for", and of course the dreaded "YOU'RE not what I'm looking for". The first one was like a punch to my gut, and a knife in my heart at the same time. I did it, though. I took that step and I took my licks, and the next time won't be so bad.
Somewhere there is somebody who thinks I'm good enough, and maybe even better than that. Be it an agent or a publisher, or a guy who actually means it when he says he is going to call. Until then, I am going to brace myself with the knowledge that throughout my past, when things have seemed as though there wasn't a chance in hell they could ever get better...they always have. These days I can't find much to feel hopeless about. I could never overlook how fortunate I am.
Tuesday, May 8, 2012
Reading In The Summer
On my way home from work yesterday, I turned up the one-way street by the post office, and drove by the library, just as I always do. This isn't the most direct route home for me, but it always makes me happy to see the many cars parked outside, and the many people coming and going from a place that has meant so much to me throughout my entire life. My biggest fear with the advent of electronic reading devices, was that people would lose the desire for the whimsy of a bound book. Seeing my community use the library makes my soul smile. Yesterday, I saw new signs placed out front "Dream Big, READ!" I texted my mom immediately to let her know how much I love the theme for this year's summer reading program.
Summer reading was an unspoken requirement in my family. Of course, I don't recall complaining, as I have always loved to read. My grandmother worked at the library at the time (See: Lindsey & Ann Like Red), and we lived just a block away from the library (See: The West Northmarket Gang). Each week I would pick out books, take them home, and read them. The next week I would return and record the ones I had read, at which time I would get stickers to add to my tally on the big scoreboard. Of course after recording them, I would pick out more books. I never won the coveted "most books read" title, but I always did very well for myself. I didn't try to rush myself through the stories, because that just takes all the fun out of reading. At the end of the summer, the ladies of the library would throw an "end of summer reading party". I remember this always involving something special, like a magic show, in the tent, followed by an award ceremony and snacks. Now that the tent is no longer, the end to the program is marked by a pool party, at the community pool. Not too shabby.
It has come to my attention, that participation for this thing which is so near and dear to my heart has been down as of late. This makes me sad. I used to look so forward to it every year, and I know I'm not the only one. What has happened? The library has convenient hours (10:30 a.m. to 7:00 p.m. M,Tu,Th,F; and 10:30 a.m. to 2:30 p.m. W and Sat.; Closed on Sunday), a vast selection of books, and an amazingly helpful and encouraging staff. Who can't spare an hour or two every night to encourage your kids to unplug and read? Who can't do that for themselves? This year, along with the preschool and school age categories, the Hagerstown Jefferson Township Library will also be offering categories for teens AND adults to participate. I hear the prizes are pretty stellar too!
Reading is so important, especially for kids. Read to your little ones, and encourage them to read when they learn how to do it on their own. It teaches them to focus, and learn the english language (as it is meant to be spoken), all while entertaining them for much longer than any movie ever could. Also, if they see you reading, they are going to be encouraged to do it too. Of course, if movies are your thing, the library has plenty of those to rent as well. The theme this year, as previously mentioned, is "Dream Big", what better way to encourage us to all reach for the stars than by reading? Each story we read contains a dream, whether fiction or nonfiction. It began as a dream, of the person who created it. We are inspired to either follow or avoid what we learn from the story. It also gives us a chance to escape, if only for a little while.
So run, don't walk, to the Hagerstown Jefferson Township Library, and get yourself signed up. The dream begins on Tuesday, May 29th. This year, they have a little something for all ages, so get the whole family involved. I know I'll be signing up! For more information, stop in and chat up one of the wonderful librarians.
Happy Summer Reading to all!
Summer reading was an unspoken requirement in my family. Of course, I don't recall complaining, as I have always loved to read. My grandmother worked at the library at the time (See: Lindsey & Ann Like Red), and we lived just a block away from the library (See: The West Northmarket Gang). Each week I would pick out books, take them home, and read them. The next week I would return and record the ones I had read, at which time I would get stickers to add to my tally on the big scoreboard. Of course after recording them, I would pick out more books. I never won the coveted "most books read" title, but I always did very well for myself. I didn't try to rush myself through the stories, because that just takes all the fun out of reading. At the end of the summer, the ladies of the library would throw an "end of summer reading party". I remember this always involving something special, like a magic show, in the tent, followed by an award ceremony and snacks. Now that the tent is no longer, the end to the program is marked by a pool party, at the community pool. Not too shabby.
It has come to my attention, that participation for this thing which is so near and dear to my heart has been down as of late. This makes me sad. I used to look so forward to it every year, and I know I'm not the only one. What has happened? The library has convenient hours (10:30 a.m. to 7:00 p.m. M,Tu,Th,F; and 10:30 a.m. to 2:30 p.m. W and Sat.; Closed on Sunday), a vast selection of books, and an amazingly helpful and encouraging staff. Who can't spare an hour or two every night to encourage your kids to unplug and read? Who can't do that for themselves? This year, along with the preschool and school age categories, the Hagerstown Jefferson Township Library will also be offering categories for teens AND adults to participate. I hear the prizes are pretty stellar too!
Reading is so important, especially for kids. Read to your little ones, and encourage them to read when they learn how to do it on their own. It teaches them to focus, and learn the english language (as it is meant to be spoken), all while entertaining them for much longer than any movie ever could. Also, if they see you reading, they are going to be encouraged to do it too. Of course, if movies are your thing, the library has plenty of those to rent as well. The theme this year, as previously mentioned, is "Dream Big", what better way to encourage us to all reach for the stars than by reading? Each story we read contains a dream, whether fiction or nonfiction. It began as a dream, of the person who created it. We are inspired to either follow or avoid what we learn from the story. It also gives us a chance to escape, if only for a little while.
So run, don't walk, to the Hagerstown Jefferson Township Library, and get yourself signed up. The dream begins on Tuesday, May 29th. This year, they have a little something for all ages, so get the whole family involved. I know I'll be signing up! For more information, stop in and chat up one of the wonderful librarians.
Happy Summer Reading to all!
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