There comes a time in life, when you know how to act in public, and in private. You know when you can be silly, and when you can be crass, and when to be respectful. You know those closest to you better than you could ever imagine. One day it just clicks. I know who I can go to for what problems. If I need to vent and complain for hours it's one person. If I need someone to be nonsensical with in an effort to put that problem on a shelf and get back to it later it is another. I'm grateful for this diversity. I know I don't express it nearly enough, and I know I selfishly do not reciprocate the courtesy extended to me time and time again, but I am grateful...every single day.
I hope that counts for something.
I am having an absolutely wretched time lately. I'm just going to be completely honest about that from the start. I have found myself having to make a conscious effort to wipe the scowl off my face in public. Yes, it is probably only winter doldrums coupled with the stress of financial recovery from lack of work during the holidays. It is frustration with the chapter that has me stuck dead in my tracks, and wondering if I'm just a hack at this whole writing thing. It is facing another birthday single, and another Valentine's day in which I have to pretend I don't give a crap that I won't be getting flowers. Sounds silly, but as I've said before...I'm a girl who thinks girl things. Many words that come out of my mouth which make me appear as if certain things don't bother me, are most likely a defense mechanism. Though, from this point on, I would prefer if everyone continued to go about their lives as if I didn't just admit this most humiliating of secrets. I feel like I've spent the past fifteen or so years with my arms straight out in front of me to block anybody and anything from getting too close. Even my efforts toward opening up are presented with a very thick filter.
I want to be stronger than I am. I want to be more naturally talented than I am. I want to be a better person than I am. How nice it would be to become jaded on command...it is frustrating to feel things you're not in the mood to feel. It is maddening to not be able to control emotions in favor of logic. My brain is going a mile a minute and frankly, it's starting to have a very negative effect on me.
I've been lying awake at night because each time I close my eyes, I have a nightmare. I'm exhausted and not even the fancy eye cream in my medicine cabinet can disguise my pale skin and puffy eyes. So, you know, on top of everything else I feel ugly. It's just so hard to relax when everything on your plate seems as though it was needed yesterday. To top it all off, you feel like you've traveled a thousand miles in reverse when you discover even your fat pants are too tight.
I honestly don't know what to do, or even the point of this blog. I just know that often if I need to get something off my chest, I write about it, even if it's not all that important. I also know this will pass. My downer periods thankfully don't last long anymore...I am surrounded by entirely too many fun people to remain low for too long. Today, the sun is shining. It's a day to celebrate my sister's birthday, even if she's several states away and I won't actually get to see her. It's also Fermented Grape Juice Thursday with some of my nearest and dearest.
See, I'm feeling better already.